Five Ideas for New Year's Resolutions for Couples

At Boston Couples Therapy, we always try to help couples who want to stay together. However, there are circumstances where a divorce is in the best interests of both parties. Divorce can be a painful process. It’s bad if you don’t have children and it can be even worse if you do have kids. This post is intended to help you learn about divorce in Massachusetts. It is intended to detail factual legal information about divorce in Massachusetts but does not constitute legal advice.

An easier way to think of a “return on investment” is to consider what do I get out of my investment in dollars, energy, or time. A good financial return will often earn you back your money invested plus additional dollars. A good investment in physical health will save you money on healthcare costs and save you from the emotional toll of an illness. An investment in your relationship leads to feeling fulfilled and avoiding unnecessary mistakes in communication or breaking of trust.

Maintaining a strong, emotional connection in a marriage can be challenging, especially in today’s fast-paced society. It’s easy to lose ourselves in our work, our children, and our devices. With all of the distractions of daily life, it’s common for marital connection to be put on the back burner. After working with couples in crisis over many years, I began to encourage couples to invest daily in their relationship through a daily check in. The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive.

In a strong marriage, your partner is your primary source of emotional attachment and security. Therefore, it’s beneficial to keep a pulse on how each other is doing. Without incorporating this common practice, miscommunication happens, or we find ourselves reading the tone and energy of our partner the wrong way. Imagine coming home from a long day of work. You’re tired, stressed, and the kids are hungry. Your partner has had a similarly overwhelming day. As soon as you walk into the house, your partner asks what’s for dinner. It is common for the first interaction with one another after a long, hectic day to set the tone for the evening. If your partner jumps into questions about dinner, kids, and baths without checking in with you, it’s possible that an argument could follow.

An easier way to think of a “return on investment” is to consider what do I get out of my investment in dollars, energy, or time. A good financial return will often earn you back your money invested plus additional dollars. A good investment in physical health will save you money on healthcare costs and save you from the emotional toll of an illness. An investment in your relationship leads to feeling fulfilled and avoiding unnecessary mistakes in communication or breaking of trust.

Maintaining a strong, emotional connection in a marriage can be challenging, especially in today’s fast-paced society. It’s easy to lose ourselves in our work, our children, and our devices. With all of the distractions of daily life, it’s common for marital connection to be put on the back burner. After working with couples in crisis over many years, I began to encourage couples to invest daily in their relationship through a daily check in. The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive.

In a strong marriage, your partner is your primary source of emotional attachment and security. Therefore, it’s beneficial to keep a pulse on how each other is doing. Without incorporating this common practice, miscommunication happens, or we find ourselves reading the tone and energy of our partner the wrong way. Imagine coming home from a long day of work. You’re tired, stressed, and the kids are hungry. Your partner has had a similarly overwhelming day. As soon as you walk into the house, your partner asks what’s for dinner. It is common for the first interaction with one another after a long, hectic day to set the tone for the evening. If your partner jumps into questions about dinner, kids, and baths without checking in with you, it’s possible that an argument could follow.

The experience of divorce is rated as one of life’s most stressful events for good reason. Divorce feels like a death that happens over and over again. When you add children to the equation, it’s a brutal reality that parents must face. All tasks become hard to handle when the foundation of your life is crumbling beneath your feet.

The good news is that it does get better. The pain can be overcome. A new normal will emerge. Though there will be tears and trials, you will learn and grow and keep moving forward, and one day in the future, you will wake up and love your life again. However, as a newly divorced parent, there’s an unfamiliar dynamic you’ll have to decipher: co-parenting.

The long-standing stereotype in our society is that you must have an acrimonious relationship with your ex-spouse. For some reason, we’ve been fed the belief that peace with your ex-spouse cannot exist on the other side of divorce. I’m sure you have heard horror stories from well-meaning friends. The message is pretty clear. “Get ready for a fight.”

I won’t sugarcoat the actual process of going through a divorce. It can be brutal. There may be expensive court proceedings and lots of pain and confusion to work through. But the actual process will pass, and as a parent, you have a choice to make. Your life and the lives of your children will be healthier and more peaceful if you choose a peaceful co-parenting relationship. This requires both you and your ex-spouse to make intentional choices along the way, and they aren’t always easy. Regardless, you can rest assured that setting these co- parenting boundaries with one your former partner early on will give your children the best chance to thrive in their post-divorce world.

When I first begin to meet with a couple, one of the most important discussions we have is the difference between content and process. There’s a reason that this tops my list of priorities in sessions. Helping couples understand the difference between the two can set the course for meeting their therapy goals.

Content is what you and your partner might come into the session wanting to discuss. Examples include, “Brady always forgets to wash the dishes,” or “Diane won’t meet my family when she said she would.” These arguments are usually topical and might include common themes like child-rearing, in-laws, finances, or vacations. It’s typical for couples to continue their arguments over content upon entering the therapist’s office. In fact, many couples perceive the therapist’s role as “judge,” and they often enter a session pleading their case, and wanting a winner declared.

Therapists, however, are trained to avoid the quicksand of content in favor of process. Process refers to how couples communicate such as tone of voice, word choice, and communication patterns like passive aggression. A great example of process would be speaking in absolutes. When a partner states that, “he never listens to me,” or “she always rejects me,” they are expressing an absolute. While the feeling behind these statements are entirely valid, a therapist’s ears perk up at the mention of “always” and “never.” They can’t possibly be true, as no one ever does anything all of the time or never at all. Absolutes indicate that deeper, more vulnerable feelings are the driving force behind the story. By focusing on process, couples are able to reconnect through shared emotional experiences.

It’s not so much what couples say to each other, rather it’s how they say it, that can damage their marriage. I work closely with couples to shift their focus away from the content of their latest argument toward the process of how they communicate with one another. By adopting this practice early on in our sessions, couples can learn new ways to communicate and see real healing happen within their relationship. Reach out to me today if you and your partner could benefit from learning more about how you communicate!

When meeting with couples, I get one question almost more than any other: “Should we break up?” In a world with so much uncertainty, couples on the brink are likely searching for the certainty an expert could offer. A well-trained couples therapist would never answer this question with a direct “Yes or No” and understandably that may frustrate some couples.

Couples come to therapy and lay out their hearts and their shared distress and they see the therapist as the “expert.” So, a refusal to answer this question may leave you frustrated or confused. How come a couples therapist won’t tell you whether to break up? There are a few reasons.